Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I couldn't make this up if I tried...

~Crazyquote Coworker said today that she's not going to buy any maternity clothing because "Maternity clothes don't look professional." Fair enough; I then asked what (in addition to her radiation-proof smock) she was going to wear that wasn't "unprofessional". She matter-of-factly goes "Sweatpants." 

~Crazyquote Coworker just asked me to explain Texas. I was at a loss for words, fumbling with a description and then she goes "LIke is it a good city?" I said "Texas isn't a city, it's a..." and before I could say "state" she goes "Is it a village?"
~Crazyquote Coworker must be going through her pregnancy-rage phase, because this morning, annoyed at a friend of hers who was incessantly texting her, she shouted at her phone "I don't know how to wash you!" I laughed for a good 2 minutes before suggesting that she might mean "wash *my hands of* you."
~I shared a video link with Crazyquote Coworker of a fight between an Asian lady & another girl on a bus. CqCw speaks Chinese, Japanese & Korean, so I asked if she could understand the lady (who I thought was Chinese) & tell where she was from. After watching the video, CqC goes "I don't know what she is, I can't understand." I asked "Well is she Chinese?" CqC goes "I don't know, they all look the same."

Monday, January 31, 2011

A word of advice...

~According to CrazyQuote Coworker, anyone in China over the age of 28 and who is not married is an "aged single." I'd be better off with that if we added "malt scotch" to the end of it...
 ~Crazyquote Coworker's advice for single women over 30: "Women over 30 are difficult, so they should marry old men." >insert me laughing and asking why< CqCw's Response: "Because they ("old men") are the only ones who can handle them."

Sunday, January 9, 2011


You can't make this stuff up!
~On Friday I told Crazyquote Coworker to watch the commercials for "Never Say No to Panda" over the wknd. (Because who doesn't love Panda?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X21mJh6j9i4) So I asked her what she thought of it: She goes "It's so unrealistic! Everyone knows pandas are friendly-- they'd never break a computer." I'm glad that she felt the most unrealistic aspect was the potrayal of the panda's disposition, not the fact that a panda was in an office, hospital, restaurant and shopping at a grocery store.
~CqCw was flipping through the office supply/stationery catalogue and goes "This is so stupid that they would sell washing machines!" I was a bit surprised so took a look; turns out they don't sell "washing machines" but they do sell PAPER SHREDDERS. I can't even begin to guess how she got those mixed up.
~Crazyquote Coworker offended (surprise surprise) someone by asking if he was American (whereas he was really Australian). I asked if she couldn't tell the difference between our accents. She threw her hand up and yelped "Well he was speaking proper English so I didn't think he was Australian!"
~Crazyquote Coworker's take on the elections in the US: "Politics in America are crazy! China would never have a negro president!"
~Crazyquote Coworker was upset that I was writing in "secret code." I couldn't figure out what she was talking out until I realized she was talking about cursive. Good to know. This could be useful in our dealings with North Korea.
~Crazyquote Coworker ate at Subway yesterday and spilled "sub sauce" on her radiation shield dress thing that she wears everyday. The stain was still there today and I asked her why she hadn't washed it. She looked at me gravely and goes "No no, I can't. I can't get this wet or wash it like an umbrella." 

What to expect while you're expecting...

 CqCw is going to have a baby!! The next 8 months or so are sure to be chock full of NUTS ;)
 ~Crazyquote coworker poetically announced today that she is expecting by saying this: "I must give birth in 8 months." She better get that copyrighted before Hallmark tries to steal it.
 ~Crazyquote Coworker returned from her ultrasound & I asked whether she & her husband were going to find out what they were having or if they wanted to be surprised. She raised an eyebrow and remarked tersely "Are you crazy? We know what we're having--we're having a baby. I'm not going to go and find out I'm having a goat or an animal!" Yes, because that's *exactly* what I was asking...
~I asked Crazyquote Coworker if her mother was going to come visit after the baby was born. She looked at me like I was crazy and goes "Of course! She will come for a few years-- who else is going to raise my baby?" Umm, I don't know, YOU maybe?!
~So Crazyquote Coworker was telling me how she's been nauseous for the past month & also really fatigued. After she surmised that the cause was "definitely the air conditioning", I asked "Are you sure it's not because you're pregnant and in your first trimester?" She paused, then commented "I've never heard of people getting sick when they're pregnant. Maybe that's only in America." Ahh yes, I'm sure it is.
~Crazyquote Coworker has been wearing this smock-like overcoat thingy every day for the past few weeks. (Think apron/overcoat things that the cafeteria ladies wore in school.) I asked her about it and she goes "This is to protect me from all the radiation here." So she's good to go in case we move our offices to a dentist's x-ray room or Chernobyl.
~Crazyquote Coworker says she's not eating any duck while she's pregnant because "it's a fact" that if you eat duck while pregnant your children will be born with webbed feet. Fact, people--a fact!
 ~I asked Crazyquote Coworker if, now that she was expecting a baby, if she'd thought of raising the child here or in her home country of China. She thought for a moment, grimmaced, and goes "I don't know, China is just full of people I don't like."

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

I don't know how my bff can keep a straight face with this woman, read on:
~Ahhh, it's Monday and Crazyquote Coworker is at it already. After recalling a date-gone-wrong, I lamented that "chivalry is definitely dead" and Crazyquote Coworker looks at me and goes "Who's Chivalry?" I laughed, saying "Chivalry isn't a person it's.." and she stopped me by saying "What is it, a food?" >sigh< IF ONLY we could buy it at a store...
~Crazyquote Coworker was showing me where her hometown was in Northern China. I commented "Oh, you're not too far from Russia!" She said "Yes but I can't see Russia!" I thought she was making a joke, referencing Sarah Palin, so I said "Hahah not like Sarah Palin?!" She got a puzzled look on her face & asked "Who's that?" I just laughed thinking "Someone you'd really get along with..."
~Crazyquote Coworker asked me how days off Americans usually get for Thanksgiving. I explained it's usually 1 day for sure, but maybe 2 or 3 depending on the company. Then I added "Unfortunately it's not like Chinese New Year in China where we get 2 weeks off!" She cackled and goes "Well of course not, Chinese New Years is a real holiday."
~I mentioned to CqCw that a colleague of ours is going to Africa. That led to a conversation about animals and drugs (again) but this time CqCw changed her tune & said that it was "good that crocodiles take drugs or else they'd be so wired they could fly-- like across the country. I've seen it." When has she seen crocodiles fly across the country? Like they work for Delta now?
~Crazyquote Coworker just asked me if I knew "Who is Daniel in child?" I had no idea what she meant: "What?" and she repeated herself, sighing, rolling her eyes and answering sarcastically "What's the child office number? There's only one Daniel in the child office and Santiago is the only office in child." Her sarcasm would've been more appreciated if she hadn't called "Chile" --"Child".
~I mentioned to Crazyquote Coworker how Brazil is host to the largest Japanese population outside of Japan. She commented "I'm not surprised. Japan's a small country but it has a lot of people...but I think China might still has more people." I find it interesting that she considers it a *fact* that eating duck causes babies to be born with webbed feet but Japan's population *might* be smaller than China's. Might.

A Little Advice

My bff posted this a few weeks ago:
~I'm not sure why, but lately Crazy Quote Coworker has been in Dr Phil mode. Today's advice: "In China, if you want to find a good man, you can't be smart. So maybe if you want to find a good man in New York, don't act smart, funny or interesting."
~CQCW just randomly doled out this advice to me: "Don't get married while you're home. Even if he has a car, don't marry him so quickly." Hmm... it's so hard to resist a guy WITH A CAR.
~Crazyquote Coworker told me this morning (totally unsolicited and completely out of the blue) "You should never marry a man who has an air conditioning business." I was laughing because it was so random but then asked why she thought that and she goes "Because he'll have too many muscles." And that's a problem why?!
 ~CrazyQuote Coworker on stability: "If you stay in one place for 2 or 3 years, people may think you're a stable person and you don't want them saying bad things about you like that."
 ~Crazyquote Coworker on candy: "I don't think there's any scientific proof that candy is not good for you. I ate it when I was a kid and I was stronger than other kids. All it did was make a few of my teeth fall out."
~Crazyquote Coworker just told me that I should learn Mandarin because apparently my "ancestors are mad at" me because I "don't speak Chinese" and so that's why I'm "so old but not married." Aside from the linguistic aspect, my Chinese ancestors are starting to sound a lot like my Jewish ones...

The First of Many to Come

Crazyquote Coworker is now selling Amway...let the games begin! So my bff walks into her office this morning for the first time in 3 weeks & the 2nd thing CQCW says to her is "What did you do to your hair? It's so dark. You look Filipino. I can sell you a hair color that's lighter to make you look more white. That's good because I want to make money before I give birth."